Our attachments our restrictions!

Our attachments our restrictions!


Adults as parents, often tend to put certain boundaries or restrictions on our child, to protect them from experiencing something wrong or hurt themselves in the process.

These are often clearly visible or sometimes invisible boundaries, created by them in the minds of the children. At the same time, your child does not understand and has no clue as to why you are putting restrictions on them and what is the meaning of it.

This is usually because as adults we don’t tend to communicate clearly, in-short we don’t actually say what we really mean and want to say.

 For example, “I want you home by 10.00 pm when you go for an outing with friends.”

What we actually want to say is that “I am really worried and don’t want you to stay out very late.”

This usually happens since we have never been taught to explain ourselves or our actions and especially not to children. What results is that children tend to get into certain behaviors and habits which can be avoidance, speaking lies, exaggerating, etc, with which the child develops low self-confidence and low self-esteem, they also are very feeble while communicating and expressing themselves.

As a result, they develop psychological and physical problems of stuttering and stammering. They harbour a lot of fear and insecurity and such children, later on in life, are not quite keen on having any kind of intimate and close relationships and tend to suppress their emotions. Another factor that also creates dysfunctional thinking and behaviour in children are the kind of Attachment Styles does the parent share with their child?

  1. Secure Attachment Style – If parents share a secure relationship with their child, then the child becomes a person who is capable of drawing healthy and appropriate boundaries when required.

 These children can convey their emotions more constructively and have a positive view of relationships and personal interactions. They become more resilient in adverse situations and take life as it comes by dealing with issues and moving on. They can be loners as well as enjoy the company of others harmoniously.


  1. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment style – These children feel more nervous and are less secure in their relationships. Usually attracting more stressors in life which they can manifest by behaviors such as neediness, possessiveness, jealousy, oversensitivity, obsessiveness, mood swings, control, etc. They may have a tendency for automatic negative thinking while trying to read other people’s actions, words and intentions.

 They need constant stroking of love, affection, and validation seeking assurance and acceptance all the time. This may lead to turbulent relationships. They will have issues being alone and will struggle when left alone.


  1. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style – These children come across as self-sufficient and can behave independently on their behavior and emotional front. They will not want to get too close to anyone since it may make them emotionally vulnerable. In their life, other things are more important such as their social life, personal projects, following their passions, travel, etc. They may have huge commitment issues and will prefer to be single to maintain their autonomy.


  1. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style – These children are often associated with challenging life experiences, abandonment, grief, abuse, etc. They face a lot of inner conflicts and will struggle with confidence and relying trustfully on others. They often feel that they will be overlooked by those present around them and even feel the same on the emotional front. Hence they cannot hold safe and secure intimate relationships. They too are always suspicious of the intention of the others or those who are seeking an intimate relationship with them. By this, they tend to push people and relations away from them.

Keeping this in mind, adults, caregivers, and parents should give full attention to identifying the behaviours in their children and try and build the right kind of bond which is only possible when there is a constant communication line between the child and the adult.

Before any restrictions are put it's necessary to create a bond of understanding. Usually, if we were to say that there is a fine line between being overprotective as a parent and being extremely restrictive, which will automatically determine how your child will react to your demands and expectations. For these parents need to first develop a balanced and open relationship where before restricting them, they need to make them understand the situation and explain the possible consequences/outcomes of their erratic or impromptu actions.

 In this case, we educate our children on how to analyze situations and rely on their life skills and capabilities, which will make them responsible for themselves and also take responsibility for any dire outcomes.

This will make them flourish and blossom as individuals who can trust themselves and have great levels of confidence in themselves, thereby making them self-reliant and better decision-makers!

 These skills will help them be a Better individual and a Human being, both in their personal and professional lives. After all, this is the result that a Parent looks out for.

Author: Dr Sonali Sikdar

Post date: 11th Feb, 2021


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